Hey...

it seems like i've come to enjoy blogging lately.. i guess it's because i'm able to pen down my thoughts knowing that there'll be no one to judge...

So, in secondary school, all i had was sailing. I never took part in anything else nor did i care about anything else because my goal was just to do exceptionally well for O levels. So, I felt empty inside.. because I had nothing to do but study unlike Kim who had to juggle CCA, academics and international competitions. When i see how motivated and focused kim was despite her busy schedule, she became my role model and she helped me realise something - I can accomplish anything if i set my mind to it and still have outstanding academic results with proper time management - and that's how i started my SH1 life.

I signed up for rock climbing(now to PA), council, SISC, Maldives, yet... i feel nothing but emptiness again. I could understand why i felt empty in the past, when all I had was sailing and acads. But now? I have everything I could have ever asked for.. but why's this emptiness still lingering in my heart? This gaping hole which i want to fill so bad. Is this the reason why i get into relationships so impulsively just to fill my emotional void?

Initially, I loved getting to meet so many new people... climbing, council, maldives, SISC, class, OG. But over time... I had to choose between my friends cos of duty or any other reason. and choosing sucks. So i found out that i don't really belong anywhere after while cos people have already built strong friendships when i ditched them. You see, I don't belong to the maldives clique who are very closely knitted now, nor do i fit into climbing cos i recently quit, nor my OG since we've drifted apart significantly, nor SISC cos i barely know them, nor council cos of my "too cool for you" vibe or so i've heard, nor my class cos i always chose maldives over them. But as soon as i realised that i was floating in the middle of nowhere with weak connections everywhere, i realised i needed friends i was close to. people i could rely on, somewhere where i could be happy and enjoy. So, i started making an effort to spend more time connecting with my class and all's good so far (: thank goodness ((:


However, as usual, the nostalgic piece of me would always miss Isaac. Not seeing him so often in school these few weeks does not help rest my case at all. I'm only left wondering about where he could be and what he could be doing, and hoping it's not gambling again. Then i found out from my OG mate that there are 2 other girls who like him so far.. I was jealous because they had the opportunity to get to know and interact with him... but not me.... Then i start regretting all the things i've done in maldives... what i could've done and shouldn't have done...

All i can say now is... now he's just somebody that i used to know... it hurts.

On the other hand.. it seems like im hanging out more and more with eugene and michael ((: awesome people they are (: but.. some part of me would always wonder again... isaac and i could've been this close...

I've sacrificed a friendship... because of my impulsiveness and i'm truly regretting it so much that it's haunting me... so i really hope that alan doesn't make the same mistake as me!!!!!!

anyway anyway... I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET KIM ON WEDNESDAY FOR SOME SERIOUS EMOTIONAL DETOX SESSION <3

"Alfred: Took quite a fall, didn't we, master Bruce?
Thomas Wayne: Yes, and why do we fall Bruce? So we can learn to pick ourselves up" - Andrew Tan, twitter ;)

Well, looking at the bright side of things, I'm learning how to pick myself up after a great fall, one of the many in years to come.

So, I just wanna apologise for ignoring all the "stay strong" messages.. because honestly... i can't think of any response to that.. was i supposed to say thanks for that moment of sincerity? because i bet i would've been forgotten right after they clicked the "send button" was i supposed to promise them that i'll not crumble under all this, that i'll still remain committed, enthusiastic and driven? because I'm not sure how the rest of my term in council will look like, i haven't even tested the dynamics of our teamwork.. so how am i supposed to promise anything? or was i supposed to reassure them that i'm fine? because i cant bring myself to lie. Are they looking for a certain response? or were they merely trying to console me? why? who are these people who consoled me? friends? or acquaintances? were they sincere? or were they just saying it for the sake of trying to smoothen things out between us so that we can work better in future?

Anyway, all the "stay strong" messages from yesterday till this afternoon got me thinking... what if i was never strong? what if I'm weak, lonely and empty inside and this is just a facade that I'm putting up? will "carry on this strong facade" work better than "stay strong" for me? Perhaps. I often doubt myself after each series of water work. Only time will tell if this is all merely an act...

So, just to sum up. my purpose in joining council was to serve the school. At least, i still have that opportunity to do so. The bottom line has always been the students. So, they'll be my motivation, my drive.

It's been 3 years since I've last posted, mainly because of my busy schedule and the never ending piles of homework. Not to mention trainings, competitions, helping out for regattas and volunteer work during the holidays.

So, to sum up, in 2010 (sec 2) I converted to byte right after opti interschools. The weekends and tuesday to thursday after my conversion were spent training hard to get into National Squad. Hard work paid off and in June 2011 I received my invitation into the National Byte Squad, where the new intakes (including myself) renamed it "The Last Byte National Squad". We had psychology talk by none other than Azrul and Gym sessions by the famous JULIAN (: who was later replaced by Jeremy. It was a dying class really, since there were no more international byte competitions for us to take part in, Jackson began pushing forth a "Laser 4.7 squad" with the aim of converting all of the current squad to laser 4.7 sailors. That was the time I decided that I was not cut out for lasers due to my small physique and decided to convert to 420 with my crew Rachel Lim instead (: we took part in the Noss regatta 3 days after our conversion just aiming to learn more from competition and i can proudly say that we achieved our goal and actually surpassed the expectations i set for myself. 2 months after training without commitment was when i realised that we really couldn't work out because we hardly even train together and we missed our "peak" so to speak. So, February 2012 was when we stopped training completely and it also marked the new term where I was officially out of Nationals. At the time that we quit, people like Theodora, Harvey, Amos, Louisa, Melissa have already started training on 4.7 and are already preparing for Argentina ((:

So the thing is, I was really glad i got to know Rachel better.. because, before that, my life was focused solely on sailing and i thought it was my "only way out"... after Rachel however, i straightened out and focused more on academics. So... I'm really grateful to Rachel for knocking some sense into me. Which is how i landed myself in National Junior College after O levels.. also, after being rejected twice by ACSI. First time was DSA and the second was during the JAE admission because i just reached their cut off of 5 points. And yet i have no idea how I got into NJC as well but I'm glad i did. At that time, i cried a shit load after receiving a call from my OGL Nicole regarding my Orientation group the next day. But oh well. life goes on.

So, orientation started off with a bang. OG 21 FTW (: But anyway, i realised that NJC taught their students moral values, something which i find lacking in myself sometimes. That was when i fell in love with NJC. moment where i decided to serve the school to the best of my abilities through student council. I'll get to that later. I met many great friends in my OG. More significantly, Isaac Wong, Hui Wen, Daryl Chan, Kian Meng, Bryan Teo, You Jin and Ya Xun. Isaac Wong, my greatest regret. Something about him just pulls me to him. Maybe his vibe... I don't know. Honestly, he didn't strike me as the most dashing person in the OG. But i guess he had a badass/rebellious streak that i really liked and I just felt comfortable around him, I enjoy being around him and needless to say, I was usually happy around him. At first, it started out platonic, and i do believe it has always been platonic, but anyway, it was platonic and i found myself really intrigued by him. I mean, what guy sings, plays the guitar, drums, basketball, soccer and can do equally well in Languages and Science?? OH, and did i mention he's a badass in pool and card games? yeap. he taught me how to play pool. And he's a damn good teacher at that. During rock climbing camp actually, after night "absailing", i just randomly called him to just talk to him about what i've done and the scary night walk i've just experienced with isaac lim. I guess, what i felt for him was something like idolism. But after awhile, people start speculating about us being together and i was really cool with it.. in a way, i didn't care and i just shrugged it off cos i felt it was really impossible and gross for us to end up together. But... after awhile, it really gets to you... you know? that's when i started doubting myself and yeap. that's where shit happened.

In between OG, Maldives, rock climbing and my new class, i get so confused over who i've just met and its really embarrassing to mix people up!! I'm really sorry!!!!!

So, he somehow managed to squeeze himself into the Maldives OVIA and i was ecstatic, really ecstatic. But that was also when people somehow managed to convince me that i liked Isaac. and my reaction and feelings towards that really screwed up my whole Maldives experience. I was just sad, and confused so i didnt enjoy myself, neither was i open minded enough to make friends with the other girls and guys. So, at the end of maldives, while others gained great friends and bros, i was left with even more confusion and self doubt. To make matters worse, i freaking confessed to him 2 days after returning from maldives. what the fuck shane. i mean, i didnt even sort out my feelings and i behaved so irrationally. that was how i screwed things up yet again. Anyway, things have been awkward since and we've been avoiding each other until now. 3 MAY WTF. i think i scared him off. Thinking that yea, im cool that you dont like me back that way. and i start acting all high around him again. so, i realised that well, he needed some space and yea.. we start avoiding each other. While i have no idea when or if things can ever revert back to the way it was, i just want to express my regret, guilt, and sorrow right here. because, its been haunting me for the first few weeks when we came back... "we could've been bros", "what if i was more rational?", "what if i didnt let other people influence my feelings? we could've been.....

But all this is pointless now. what's done is done. Anyway, rock climbing. I was very enthusiastic about it at first. but... weeks later i found out that maybe im not really cut out for rock climbing and the thought of quitting did cross my mind. However, i decided that i wasnt a quitter, even with council and SISC and academics. However, when i visited Dr Lai a month later, my bunion condition worsened to the point where i experienced pain and hence, i was given a year MC from rock climbing so that i can delay operation till after A levels. Anyway, MG just told me to quit directly and here i am... hanging by a thread, waiting for Mr Mazalan to approve of my addition into the PA family so i can start duties ASAP.

Council. Along the way after orientation, especially during elects camp, i've forgotten who i am, what im here for and why the fuck am i acting like a pussy that's so afraid of saying the politically wrong thing. I guess that's how i lost the house captain position. Here i am again, feeling unjustified. i wanna cry it all out, but the tears wont fall. I wanna scream and get it all out of my chest, but my voice won't cooperate. I wanna wake up from this dream, but its a reality. It hurts to say the least. and to a certain extent, i feel that he's incompetent. but after tonight, i figure that im even more incompetent. So the challenge now is for me to remember my drive for the council and work with him cordially for the sake of the house, for the sake of the school and put our differences aside. And to a large extent, i feel like I've let down all my friends who were backing me up. Im so sorry....

UGH. LET ME RANT IT ALL OUT.
BITCH PLEASE. YOU CALL YOURSELF A HOUSE CAPT WHEN YOU WENT AROUND BITCHING ABOUT ME? YOU FUCKING WUSS. PUTTING UP A FACADE JUST FOR COUNCIL. AND TEXTING ME TO COMFORT ME AFTER ALL THE BITCHING. FUCK OFF. FUCK YOU. FUCK YOURSELF.

I can't break under all this. I have to stay strong. I have to tolerate. and i swear if he gives me more bullshit. I WILL FUCKING BOUNCE BACK STRONGER YOU MOTHER FUCKER.

but there's this premonition that everything will crumble... and the future for terra looks bleak because i can't work with him at all... who knows. i was wrong once, i can be wrong again... who knows... i might like isaac, i might not.